Can someone please work on a Facebook political status update filter that works for the duration of 2012? All I want is more LOLcats, Lil’ B videos, and photos of my friend’s lunches. I don’t need to know how you feel about Newt Gingrich.
Slowed down and changed lanes to avoid driving over a banana peel in the road. I was afraid it might make me spin out like in Mario Kart.
What kind of unreasonable person impulse buys an ipad at a Best Buy express kiosk in an airport?
I propose a Tea Party versus Occupy Wall Street kickball game on the National Mall in Washington DC. The winner controls the Senate.
Oh, Gainesville! Let me drink of thy natural bounty: Of endless ants and flies in 98 degree weather; Of chatty freshmen in Library West; Of bikes, bikes, and more bikes cruising to the Atlantic on a warm Thursday night… And when I die, let Superior Towing cart my body away and store me on Depot Road for $100 a day.
Our new office is directly adjacent to an abandoned hospital. In fact, there’s actually a catwalk connecting the two buildings. Better start wearing ghost repellent
May the good karma you create come back to you exponentially and may your happiness rise, like an asymptote, ever-closer towards infinity.
Electrical outlets at airports are like watering holes on the African savannah
For a refreshing tropical scent that will last for days, leave that used banana peal inside your pillow case instead of throwing it out.
No-one really wants to marry somebody who looks like a model. You’ll live with the crippling self-doubt that one day your partner could get tired of you, and it won’t be difficult to replace you… Deep down, I think everyone wants to settle down and grow old with someone who’s only slightly more attractive than them. You’ll be stuck with each other forever, and there’s nothing either of you can do about it. That’s real happiness.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s swag.
That beautiful music you hear is the sound of all the crying babies at the airport gate simultaneously learning how to harmonize
I’ll shoot you in the heart with a USB drive and download your soul
Every President should kill Osama Bin Ladin as part of their re-election strategy