January 2012
3 posts
“Can someone please work on a Facebook political status update filter that works...”
“Slowed down and changed lanes to avoid driving over a banana peel in the road. I...”
“What kind of unreasonable person impulse buys an ipad at a Best Buy express...”
October 2011
3 posts
“I propose a Tea Party versus Occupy Wall Street kickball game on the National...”
“Oh, Gainesville! Let me drink of thy natural bounty: Of endless ants and flies...”
“Our new office is directly adjacent to an abandoned hospital. In fact,...”
September 2011
1 post
“May the good karma you create come back to you exponentially and may your...”
August 2011
1 post
“Electrical outlets at airports are like watering holes on the African savannah”
July 2011
1 post
“For a refreshing tropical scent that will last for days, leave that used banana...”
June 2011
2 posts
“No-one really wants to marry somebody who looks like a model. You’ll live...”
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s swag.”
May 2011
3 posts
“That beautiful music you hear is the sound of all the crying babies at the...”
“I’ll shoot you in the heart with a USB drive and download your soul”
“Every President should kill Osama Bin Ladin as part of their re-election...”
April 2011
4 posts
“This is why people destroy mountains. Why climb when you’ve got dynamite?”
“Next time you have a package of “two-bite” brownies, try eating them...”
“‘Vitamin C and orange juice’ is the highest level of health...”
“With so many rocks in the world, I’m surprised there aren’t more...”
March 2011
4 posts
“I wish I could just pay some crooked government official to give me my law...”
“There will always be someone on the Internet who can or already has done it...”
“I like to watch pigeons as they waddle through the crosswalks downtown....”
“Everything that could ever be thought of already exists. You just have to wait...”
February 2011
1 post
“Mule racing is regulated by California’s Business & Profession’s...”
January 2011
1 post
“First day of corporate law job: suit? check. mint for bad breath? check. Pasta...”
December 2010
3 posts
“I like the people who clap when a plane lands safely. They’re the only...”
“The secret password to get to the front of the airport security line is...”
“Does the Foursquare Twitter app work when you visit your parole officer? Can you...”
November 2010
2 posts
“Whole Foods, there’s no such thing as “organic” salt. Salt is...”
“I can’t wait to taste Mexican food…” -The pilgrim’s...”
October 2010
2 posts
Maturity = (Self + Impulse control) - Sense of Entitlement
“People who read philosophy books in coffee shops often assume their lives are...”
September 2010
1 post
“That house being fumigated has an orange and blue poison tent over it. Go...”
August 2010
2 posts
“Marketing is the science of “Pay attention to me!”
“Nigeria’s primary export is e-mails.”
July 2010
5 posts
“Bikram Yoga is for people who don’t have real problems in life, so they...”
“Conclusion: 3D video games range in quality from “unwatchable” to...”
“No! I don’t want a picture with you booth babe in a Deadpool costume....”
“I might be sexist, but I would not trust someone in high heels to carry MY party...”
“Only 24 hours before San Diego Comic Con. For one week San Diego: NERDS WILL...”
June 2010
5 posts
“The world ending in 2012 is just another myth perpetuated by the liberal Mayan...”
“If you’re havin’ bird problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99...”
“The real World Cup matchup I want to see is Mexico vs. Arizona”
“Someday, I’ll take a year to edit all of the writing in my paper notebooks...”
“Kitten expires after 120 days, please discard after expiration.”
May 2010
4 posts
“Just listened to the song “Bad Company” by the band Bad Company, off...”
“Artists, don’t marry for love, marry up! Who cares if you don’t love...”
“My secret to a zen life: To avoid disappointment, I’ve learned how to...”
“Walking alone with a smartphone is like being with a friend who refuses to have...”
April 2010
2 posts
“Yesterday, I received a rejection letter from a law firm to which I never...”
– Andrew Celauro
“Overall, the results suggest that happiness might spread through a population...”
– Framingham Heart Study