“Bikram Yoga is for people who don’t have real problems in life, so they pay East Indians $20 a day to simulate conditions uncomfortable enough to make them feel alive”
“Conclusion: 3D video games range in quality from “unwatchable” to “unplayable”
“No! I don’t want a picture with you booth babe in a Deadpool costume. I’ve got standards… I’m waiting for Psylocke”
“I might be sexist, but I would not trust someone in high heels to carry MY party sub across downtown”
“Only 24 hours before San Diego Comic Con. For one week San Diego: NERDS WILL OVERRUN YOUR STREETS, DRINK YOUR LIQUOR, AND SEDUCE YOUR WOMEN”
“The world ending in 2012 is just another myth perpetuated by the liberal Mayan media”
“If you’re havin’ bird problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a finch ain’t one…”
“The real World Cup matchup I want to see is Mexico vs. Arizona”
“Someday, I’ll take a year to edit all of the writing in my paper notebooks and publish it. And that year, it’ll look to the world like I’ve experienced some year-long creative renaissance full of fresh ideas. But to me, it’ll be like reliving six years of my life after resurrecting old ghosts”
“Kitten expires after 120 days, please discard after expiration.”
“Just listened to the song “Bad Company” by the band Bad Company, off of their album: “Bad Company.” I think I just got caught in a musical wormhole.”
“Artists, don’t marry for love, marry up! Who cares if you don’t love your investment banker partner? A lot of great art has been funded by sham marriages.”
“My secret to a zen life: To avoid disappointment, I’ve learned how to dislike activities that I’m not good at. You can never fail if you’re not ever compelled to try.”
“Walking alone with a smartphone is like being with a friend who refuses to have a conversation with you but will constantly remind you about your unread emails”