“This is why people destroy mountains. Why climb when you’ve got dynamite?”
“Next time you have a package of “two-bite” brownies, try eating them in four bites. Savor the moment.”
“‘Vitamin C and orange juice’ is the highest level of health insurance coverage that people in their mid 20’s typically have”
“With so many rocks in the world, I’m surprised there aren’t more broken windows.”
“I wish I could just pay some crooked government official to give me my law license. Things are a lot easier in the third world. #BarExam”
“There will always be someone on the Internet who can or already has done it better than you.”
“I like to watch pigeons as they waddle through the crosswalks downtown. They’re like little people!”
“Everything that could ever be thought of already exists. You just have to wait until Google decides to index it.”
“Mule racing is regulated by California’s Business & Profession’s Code section 19701: “Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a mule racing meeting or mule races may be conducted by any fair.”
“First day of corporate law job: suit? check. mint for bad breath? check. Pasta salad in my pocket in case I get hungry? Check.”
“I like the people who clap when a plane lands safely. They’re the only ones who understand how amazing a machine that can go 40,000 feet up at 300 mph AND land accurately really is.”
“The secret password to get to the front of the airport security line is “As-Salaam Alaikum”
“Does the Foursquare Twitter app work when you visit your parole officer? Can you get the King of Crime award for visiting the bail bondsman the most?”
“Whole Foods, there’s no such thing as “organic” salt. Salt is a mineral. It comes from rocks; rocks have never been alive. Please don’t lie to the people any further. -Sincerely, the FDA”