“First day of corporate law job: suit? check. mint for bad breath? check. Pasta salad in my pocket in case I get hungry? Check.”
“I like the people who clap when a plane lands safely. They’re the only ones who understand how amazing a machine that can go 40,000 feet up at 300 mph AND land accurately really is.”
“The secret password to get to the front of the airport security line is “As-Salaam Alaikum”
“Does the Foursquare Twitter app work when you visit your parole officer? Can you get the King of Crime award for visiting the bail bondsman the most?”
“Whole Foods, there’s no such thing as “organic” salt. Salt is a mineral. It comes from rocks; rocks have never been alive. Please don’t lie to the people any further. -Sincerely, the FDA”
“I can’t wait to taste Mexican food…” -The pilgrim’s first words upon landing in the New World”
“People who read philosophy books in coffee shops often assume their lives are more meaningful than those who don’t. This assumption is false”
“That house being fumigated has an orange and blue poison tent over it. Go Gators?”
“Marketing is the science of “Pay attention to me!”
“Nigeria’s primary export is e-mails.”
“Bikram Yoga is for people who don’t have real problems in life, so they pay East Indians $20 a day to simulate conditions uncomfortable enough to make them feel alive”
“Conclusion: 3D video games range in quality from “unwatchable” to “unplayable”
“No! I don’t want a picture with you booth babe in a Deadpool costume. I’ve got standards… I’m waiting for Psylocke”